This past week was the first week that I stopped to ask myself why?
Why did I leave the comforts of my own classroom? There I was good and some days even great. I knew my role and responsibilities. I had daily, if not hourly success. My kids knew I believed in them. I had built relationships with my families. I have given out my cell phone number, texted guardians just to give them positive feedback about a day or a momentary success and been on the phone for hours at night talking to my families just getting to know them. I was adept at explaining the rational for why I did things and getting "buy in." Families knew I wanted to make their children successful, not for me or for a school grade, but because I could see the potential that lied in each of them as individuals. I laid my heart on the line every day and left exhausted at what "we" collectively did that day. My last year in the classroom proved to be one of my most challenging. In a class of 18 students, 9 had an ELL label, IEP or 504 or in some instances two of the above. 6 of my students had either an IEP or 504 plan. Of the 18 students, 3 were on grade level upon coming into my class. 10 of my students were a year behind grade level and 5 of the 18 students were two years behind. It was the single most difficult year I had with regard to student achievement. I accepted them where they were but did not see that as a limit or a definition of where they would go. These were my students and we were "going into battle." I will not allow one of my students to be a statistic. It was my job, not simply to teach them to master a curriculum, but to show them their own ability and potential and how there were cause and effect relationships in all they did. My goal for my students is that they understand they have the power to control their own destiny. One of our classroom mottos was "what I do today matters because it determines what happens tomorrow." My students felt they had control over their future. They saw a connection between what they did and who they would become. This was my curriculum. not a Road Map or a Learning Focused Lesson or a Strategy group. Those things were vehicles through which knowledge was gained, but not my purpose and certainly not theirs.
My purpose was clear in the classroom. My students were successful in my classroom. I had an underlying theme of "Paying it Forward" in my classroom. My students needed to see themselves in the global world. My students needed to understand their position in the Democratic process. I could share hours of narratives of families coming together to engage in projects like neighborhood cleanups and going to homeless shelters to sort food simply because the face of homework in my class became different. My student's homework was to see themselves in the community. It was important that they viewed themselves as a member of something greater than them.
So ... Right now, I am mourning the loss of this ...of my identity.
One day, my Mentor told me I was ready to affect change on a larger scale. She watchd me in the classroom and said that my vision needed to move beyond my classroom. I felt so too. Not because I was ready to say goodbye to my students or the responsibilities of teaching, but because I had bore witness to teachers that I felt lacked compassion, collected a paycheck or simply did not understand the gift they had been given and the "power" they had with regard to changing these students lives. I will not go into my personal narrative but to say ... I was in 13 schools in 12 years. I was a student of poverty. I came from an abusive home and was removed from that home at 11 years old. I lived my Senior year on my own and barely graduated from high school. I never connected with a single teacher. Never saw my place in school and never felt that I had any value. Students under my watch will never feel that way.
I am so grateful to be where I am. I am being given an extraordinary opportunity. But right now, I am uncertain how to navigate this role. I have the passion to move mountains but not the know how. How do I begin to change perceptions about students? How do I get teachers to see the power they have to negotiate the relationships with their students? How do I help teachers see their role as not being just that of a deliverer of curriculum?
I started the Intervention and Implementation project that was assigned for a Change class at USF. The Intervention is huge. It's not a Strategy group or an Instructional practice that I want to change. It's a perception. My I & I project is to change people (and myself in the process.) I know I have to start out small. I can't "will" everyone to be open-minded, committed, passionate, empowering individuals that embrace cultural diversity and build relationships with students. It would make my job a lot easier if I could. Some people are open to change, some people are completely opposed and some are not even aware that they need to be changed. So for this project, I decided to first start by shining a light on our beliefs and open dialogue about misconceptions that are founded in cultural ideas and looking at our students as people and our relationships with them. I rolled out the ideas I had to a small group of individuals that are charged with some aspect of leadership within the school. I rolled out a PLC on Why Culture Counts: Teaching Children of Poverty and was surprisingly met with some resistance. My thought is ...who doesn't want to perfect their craft as a teacher? Who doesn't want to improve their relationships with students? Who doesn't want to move mountains with me? The unsettling answer is MANY. In defense of SOME, it is not because they don't want to improve the conditions, but rather because they do not see a correlation between student achievement and success and them. For many students, the only person that will believe in them and hold them accountable to academic excellence is the teacher. What a powerful position to hold in the life of a child!! After my initial rollout, I was met with arguments of not enough time, the Union was called because I could not mandate teachers to read anything on their own and the statement/question that blew me away was "So teachers are going to be blamed for everything! You are making the teachers make changes, what are you making the students do?"
I responded by saying that because we were the skilled adults in the equation, we bear the responsibility of negotiating the terms of the relationships to effect change. What I really wanted to do was scream, but instead I went to my office, closed my door and cried. How do we not understand what an honor it is to be in the lives of these children? I don't know where to begin. I have reflected on my conversations with GCP and what my professors would expect from me and also what I expect from myself. I have learned that I have to put my energy into the "willing" and "open." I am going to run with the willing. I still don't feel like I know what I am doing. **Big sigh**
No comments:
Post a Comment